anamia776

What the fuck was i thinking back in '04.
I seriously sound like a moron, it actually really embarassing.

zommmgzz ana plz halp me loose wait.
wtf.
ANYWAYS, if any of you on this accounts friendlist are reading thing.
Little did I know while writing in this journal, a few years later I'd be in TREATMENT, not once, but TWICE.
I would also lose who I am in every sense.
After I stopped writing in here, let me tell you how awesome my life became.
Well, it started out with you know, being terribly miserable. Then i started selling xanax and adderall, and taking diet pills, because you know, its a really good thing for a 12/13 year old girl to do. I began cutting, and I still have scars from the first time I cut myself.
let fast foward to the next year, i was 14. i would cut class to go hang my head over the toilet. I actually would eat paper at LUNCH, I have no idea why, but it made sense at the time. I was so hopped up on diet pills I consantly shook, and i was freezing. I was essentially a zombie. I took diuretics and laxitives, not to mention fair amounts of percription drugs. AGAIN, fast foward to 9th grade, when i was almost 15.
This is where things got good. I would starve, and then at lunch, my friends would be eating really good food. I'd flat out eat their food, and RUN up to the second story and puke. I had no shame. I'd joke around and say hey im going to go barf, okay be right back! and my friends would laugh, because OBVIOUSLY i wasnt serious. I was cutting myself constantly in the school bathrooms, and then, POW. My mom found out about my eating disorder, I admitted everything. She didnt force feed me, that was good, because I told her I would pretty much puke it all up. I lived on chicken broth till I got sent to treatment.
This is treatment round one. i was scared.
I met some really amazing girls there, most of them I still talk to today.
I had my fair share of flat out phycotic episodes there.
But I got alot acomplished there, it was really great.
Then I got the brilliant idea to steal my roommates ipod, and then I gave it back, but left against medical advice. I was there for 3 months,

bt then, this changed.
I got raped.
After that, i was in 10th grade. 15 years old and insanely depressed. I was on a downward spiral, I almost never went to school, because I was so consumed again by bulimia. I told my therapist about what happend, and there were police reports filed and all that good stuff, but of course, nothing was really done, the guy got away with it because i wainted so long to tell.
Wallowing in my misery, my family, and school decided I needed to do hospital homebound, because i wasnt in a mental state to be at school.
That didnt last long.
The next couple of months I was actually sent to this place called PEMHS.  Me and one girl were the only because there that WERENT about to go to juvvie.
That was probably the worst place I had to stay at, ever. The staff there treated you like a criminal.
You werent allowed to have pencils or markers, because it was a danger.
Yeah. It was a DANGER. The rooms were small, cement cubicals, where you got a matt to sleep on, with a plastic pillow.
I was out of there within two days. That was such a creepy place. my heart really goes out to the people that have to go there for ANY amount of time.
Anyways, I got home, (keep in mind my mom didnt want me to stay there, but the people there said i had to..even though i checked myself in? creepy fucks) sadder than before.
A week went by, my therapist told my mom i needed to go back to Inpatient again.
The last days at home went in a blurr, I took way too many xanax one night, and I was out of it like there was no tomorrow. My mom thought I was going to pass out.
The whole time I am barfing, and starving, barfing and starving.
One day, i had a therapist apppoitment.

I walked there.
But right before I left. i took a razor, and cut a too close to the vein cut in my arm.
Thank god it wasnt even the slightest bit deeper, or I probably would have had to go to the hospital.
I walked to my appointment, but right before i went to the store, bought a muffin, a vitamin water, and a slice of pizza.
Puked.
Went to go see my Dr.
She called my mom.
I was walking home, and my mom drives up. I get in the car, and i go home and pack my things.
That night I checked back into treatment.
It was a warm welcome, everyone remembered me, and my favorite people still worked there.
I had to room with this girl though, at first I really didint like her, but we grew to be friends. My sarcastic, laugh at everything nature evened out her bratter rich girl attitude, and we got along.
After a month, I went home, this time, I was allowed to leave, and I got discharged like a good girl.
:D
When I got home, I didnt go back to school. I was in the 10th grade, but I never went to school.
While home I found a new love for slurpees from 7 11.
Then I slipped up. I began purging moderatly for a little while, then I actually over dosed, and ended up in the holspital.
I was in the Intensive care unit for 3 days, pumping the anitdote into my veins, I was puking bile, and i couldnt eat anything.
I almost needed a liver transplant.
I went home, and since then, I've been good, and relativly happy.
I have friends, a love life, asperations, and I'm going to school.
I'm a junior at a tech school, and I'm training to be a nurse.

what im getting at is, I cant belive I was such an annoying, rediculous 12 year old who thought 'ana and mia' were actually going to help me.

It ended up ANOREXIA and BULIMIA, took away so much of my life, I thought it was over.



I hope someone read this.

I havent updated in a while, and Ive been missing what I got out of my ollllld livejournal. So! Here it is..
*waves* I'm back.
Alrite..Ive been feeling really shitty lately. My weights been up and down since summer. And Im sick and tired of this and its going off. Fast.
Current Weight: 138.5 Arrrg

Current Height: 5'4"

Goal Weight for Nov 30th: 126lbs. (i'd have to lose about 6lbs per week..Time for a two week fast.)

I'll keep this updated

*ps I love comments.


<3

Im baaack.


CW:138lbs.
HW:160lbs
LW:105lbs.
GW1:126lbs
GW2:110lbs.
GW3:106lbs.

Fasting today.

Maybe tomorrow too.

Last week I was 128lbs.
What the hell happend?
Meh..

Everything sucks.
Sometimes, I just wanna end it. And then I think. And then its like the 4 people who would be give stricken would be pissed at me. So you know..Its like SUCK...I hate this..Im SO fat, I just wanna die sometimes..Im fasting for the next 3 weeks. I have to get down to 98 by middle may..If not, i'll just die. thats 30 lbs..(FAT!) I can do it. I acually know I can..Before I dropped down to 110 why cant it still be like that?!? even then i'd be fat in my eyes. I'll never be good enough. Ever. I dont see how anyone could accept me. Almost everyone thinks Im a freak and stuff..

How do I feel
What do I say
In the end
It all g0s away..

<3

This journal is going to be FRIENDS ONLY because I want to make sure I KNOW whos reading it....Because I dont want any of my friends or family from real life reading what I write about (My OCDs, my EDs)

-Booty

**************COMMENT IF YOU WANT TO BE ADDED TO MY FRIENDS LIST!************

Im so fat.





























Yeah